[Larry receives flowers from a doctor he promised to give 5, 000 dollars to] Cheryl: Are those from your mistress and you just haven’t told me? Larry: I wish. [He gives the flower guy a tip] Cheryl: Did you give him a five thousand dollar tip?
[Larry is following directions that told him to make a turn when he saw a barn] Larry: Was that a barn? Was that a barn? I think it was too small to be a barn, it looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean… what? That it could have been a barn? There’s no cows in barns. There’s cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There are stables in farms, right, but not necessarily barns? I don’t think that was the barn. [long pause] Larry: I think we made the wrong turn.
[after leaving a terrible dinner party] Larry: What’s the level of anger here? What am I dealing with? Cheryl: Well, I’d have to say at least an 8.7. Larry: 8.7? That’s not that bad. I thought it would be at least a 9. Cheryl: It was a 9. Then you broke that lamp, and the crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points. Larry: Pity points. That’s fabulous, I love pity points. But how can I get to a 7? I know a 6 is out of the question, but is there any way I can get to a 7?
Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] What do you mean you’re not going to pause it? Jeff Greene: I’m not a pauser, I don’t like pausing. Larry David: Well, that’s rude, I’ll miss it. Jeff Greene: I’ll rewind it when you come back. Larry David: Yeah, but I can see when you rewind and it’ll give it away! Jeff Greene: There’s no story! Give what away? There’s bosoms! That’s it!
Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top? Jeff Greene: Why do you have to analyze this? Can’t we just watch this? Larry David: She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me! Jeff Greene: We’ve waited a long time to see this and all you’re doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!
Richard Lewis: Can’t we have lunch or something and discuss this? Larry: I can’t. Richard Lewis: Why not? Larry: I’ve been auctioned off for some charity. Richard Lewis: What is this, “Roots”?
[during a fight with his business partner named Hugh] Larry: Fuck Hugh. Fuck Huuuuugh.
[Larry has realized he made a bad joke about Wanda’s butt] Larry: Ok, Wanda… Wanda: Oh, you know who I am, ok. I thought I would have to turn around and show you my big ass. Larry: OK, you completely misinterpreted that… Wanda: How am I supposed to interpret it? You shouted out ‘Hey, Big Ass Wanda’. Larry: I didn’t say big ass, I was just saying hello. Wanda: Is that how you say hello? Larry: Uh, well… Wanda: ‘Hey big ass’ or ‘Hey assy’ or ‘Hey I know your ass’. What is that? That’s not how you say hello. Larry: Perhaps not.
Donald: You know what you are? You’re a self-loathing Jew. Larry David: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish.
Larry: I am not obsessed with asses. Wanda: Ok, assy. And what is all that shit all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass?